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A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP ing to a wedding invitations “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute….

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think … That can’t be accurate…

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life. Soon I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong ... I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: Winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By ... Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!!!

The Agony of Aging ... On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam ... Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute ... Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!
 
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